Monday, December 6, 2010

The Call Knows Your Phone Number.

Got two phone calls that pissed me off yesterday. And then one that killed my bad mood, or at least K.O.'ed it.

Phone Call #1 (Private Caller)

G: Hello, who's speaking?

???: Is this Ms. Sullivan?

G: This is she.

???: What?

G: Yes, it is.

???: We seem to have detected a virus in your computer-

G: I have Antivirus.

???: Yes, that is why I am calling you, I need to give you instructions to fix your computer.

G: Are you from the software developer?

???: Yes. First, we need your password so we can remotely fix the problem.

G: Ohhh, so you guys are from AVG? Hold on, I'll get my book of passwords.

???: (relieved) Yes, now-

G: (hostile) I use Symantec. You do realise that there was an article about this scam in the newspaper a week or so ago? You can only hit a couple of people before word starts to get around.

???: I-

G: Find a new way to scam people, honey.

(I hang up here)

Goddamn telephone scams. If anyone gets called by a supposed tech support centre yattering about detecting  a virus, hang up.

Phone Call #2: Unknown number. It's a Vodafone number and I'm on 2degrees, so it's probably costing them a fortune, which is a good thought.

???: Come outside.

G: Excuse me?

???: Come outside.

G: Why?

???: Come.

G: Where?

???: Places.

G: Who are you?

???: A servant of the Master.

G: Who the bloody fuck is the Master?

???: (pause) Who are you?

G: Pardon?

???: Who are you?

G: This is not a game of who-the-fuck-am-I!

???: ...

G:  I'm Vivi, bitch.

???: (pause) Come outside.

G: Piss off.

???: Co- (phone cuts off. Hope he ran out of credit.)

Fucking proxies. I did go outside shortly after. No proxies. Someone trying to spook me. Weird that they didn't know my name though. "Who are you?" indeed.

Phone Call #3: Chester

C: Vivinator

G: Chestertron. What's malfunctioning this time?

C: My nose is stuffed up but nothing else. I was just checking in, seeing if you were okay.

G: Who are you and what have you done with Chess?

C: I read the blogs. There seems to be some freaky stuff going down, so I thought I'd check in.

G: Well, uh, I'm fine. I had a stomach bug earlier but it's gone now.

C: Good. Look, is there anything you want for Christmas?

G: Excuse me?

C: You heard me.

G: You're running, you crazy boy, you don't have time to go christmas shopping!

C: The Solstice is on the 22nd, and I'm going to be optimistic and hope that It'll get sent into long-term dormancy or something. Three days is enough.

G: ...Just curbstomp some proxies for me, okay?

C: Okay.

G: Attaboy. Actually, I'll do that myself. You just stay alive.

C: I'll try.

(he hangs up)

Trust Chester. He's on the run from a Noodle Person like something straight out of Amigara Fault, only more hostile and with a small army of crazies, and he's thinking about Christmas presents. It says something about Chess that I'm not sure if he's pulling my leg.

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