Saturday, January 22, 2011


i was in my apartment just a moment ago. i hung up on the phone to chester got changed and huddled in a corner with a baseball bat, waiting for something to happen.

a proxy came in at maybe 9.30. they were wearing one of those carnival masks, one shaped like a butterfly. I couldn't tell what gender. flatchested, but small and slim. androgynous sounding. they looked at me and said 'its a pity. you got something right, at least. '

i asked what. they shrugged and said it was none of my business. then they opened the door and left. there was no corridor outside that door. just this jumble of senseless everything. i tried to follow them out (even managed to get the proxy in the head and in the stomach with my bat) but i just wound up coming in through the bedroom door again.

i went back to my corner. i read a book for a little then i drifted off.

when i woke up, around 10, it was there. arms open, welcoming me.

about then was when i started to feel sick. i threw up. there was black stuff, like kaylee, but a lot less. maybe a teaspoon as opposed to a bucketful.

it just stood there. waiting.

i got to my feet, swaying, pins and needles spiking through my legs, and smiled. the ultimate 'fuck you' to a creature that ruins our lives by filling them with fear and paranoia.

then the world went black and I woke up here.

let me tell you a story.

i used to get bullied a fair bit in middle school, around year 8. 7th grade to you americans. it only bothered me a little until one day they got the bright idea of locking me in a storage closet. i was in there two hours in the cramped dark. i have never been able to tolerate enclosed spaces since.

you can guess what happens next.

i cant even stand up, just sit with my knees drawn up to my chest. it's only just wide enough to fit me. one of my arms is pinned to my side. i can't reach the shift button on my ipod touch onehanded or some of the letters. notice i havent used the letters immediately above and below a. i wish i hadnt disabled autocapitalisation now.

the panic is rising too fast. the air is stuffy and hard to breathe but i wont be running out of air anytime soon.


please help me


  1. Viv....fuck.
    Come on, you helped me. More then you know.

    Don't you give up on me now.

    This will work out, there are too many people counting on you, you can't quit on us.

    I've been down that road, it's hard. It will get harder, but you can never give up.

    I didn't, because of people like you.
    Now let someone like me help someone like you.



  2. Close your eyes. Deep, steady breaths. Imagine you are on a field or somewhere else where you can see the sky. Do not open your eyes until you are certain someone has come to help. Panic is the worst thing you can do in an attack of claustrophobia.

  3. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus....

    Fuck, no, no panicking. Viv, it's fine, you're going to be fine.

    Can you hear anything around you? Are the walls hollow or are they solid? Are the walls plaster, or are they concrete, or wood?

    You're going to be alright.

    It's all going to be alright...

  4. We're coming Vivi.
    Don't cry, don't be sad.
    Don't be scared.

    We're coming to get you.

    Because we know we can.

    Believe in us who believe in you, Vivs.

    The Keeper

  5. Viv. I suffered from Claustrophobia also. Do not give up. Breathe, concentrate on the task at hand, on living. Dress your wounds with anything and fight again. Falling is NOT defeat. Not getting back up again is.

    We are behind you, if belief makes him stronger, it can make you stronger too.


  6. See? :) We're all here for you. We all love you, and we need you to come back to us, okay?

    We know you'll do your best.

    And we'll always be here for you.