Thursday, January 27, 2011

nightmares and butterflies

We both have the day off work tomorrow. And Monday, for Anniversary weekend. Should be plenty of time to deal with our little junior Masky. He's just a kid, he deserves better than this...this shit.

Fuck. Just a kid, that proxy. He...he knows just how to get to me. Claustrophobia, Kaylee, now this kid. I don't know what he's going to pull out against me next, how he's going to get to me but I keep having nightmares about Mum, Dad, Elaine, Jon, Kathy, everyone just dying and dying and dying and it doesn't stop, it's never going to stop and Chester in just standing there with his back to me and I reach out to him and he turns around and there's no face and I wake up and I lie there awake for hours trying not to cry. I'm not the only one kept awake by nightmares either. Chester gets them too. Sometimes I'll be trying to get back to sleep and he'll be thrashing around and mumbling in his sleep and then he'll wake up and I'll be able to see the fear in his eyes and I'll be glad, so glad, that he's with me and I can see he's okay.

When this was just starting I was okay with just me and my cat but now what with my own home becoming a prison and the fact that nothing seems to be for certain any more, it's good to have him around. I'm glad we're together, even if it makes us an easier target. Kill one, watch the other sink into despair. It would be so easy to crush us if they really wanted to try. We both have our weaknesses, both physical and mental, so easy to be exploited. We're fighting against potentially millions of proxies, with only a score or so bloggers.

Everywhere I look I see things falling apart, people dying. Nothing too awful has happened to me so far, but it's worse than watching people fall around me and being so powerless to help.

I have to hold on to something, a hope, a dream, laughter, love, anything I can think of, so I don't go mad.

I hear a little proxy, sneaking in the window. Do you think I'd leave the window open if I didn't want you to come in?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. I know you can see this. I can see you in the mirror. You only just noticed that, didn't you.

Not too bright, are you?


  1. Jesus. I'm sorry, Viv. I'm sure it'll be alright. Stay with Chester, and keep as safe as you can.