Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Let's play a game.

Let's pretend life is normal.

I suck at this game.

I miss things being normal. I miss the times when I didn't sleep with a cricket bat propped up against my bed and a knife shoved between the headboard and the wall. I miss being able to hang around with my friends and family without glancing over my shoulder. I miss the time where the furniture in my living room was not arranged so I can see the door from every chair in the room.

I even miss stupid Chester cracking awful jokes and looking around at us grinning like he expects us to start having hysterics. Everyone does. Him and Max are Vitriolic Best Buds, Leah is sulking because she's missing her partner in crime, Mariko's temper is more hair-trigger than it's ever been, and some of our long-time customers have asked why he isn't around.

But the fact that I miss them doesn't change the fact that it's impossible to have it all back.

The thing with the Slenderblogosphere is that people are always dropping in and out. Dying, going crazy, just plain leaving. You never know who's going to be next, and it might be you. It's a very disquieting thought. People are leaving, taking Redlights offer, or just going, and try as I might I can't blame them for trying to get out of this as soon as possible. I just have to see this through to the end. My end or his. Whichever comes first, because try as I might I can't seem to believe in anything beyond this life other than oblivion.

I think it's taken a while to sink in, all the things that have happened. It hurts. It hurts a lot, seeing people in my situation or something similar dying, going crazy.

We have to try our best to hope. To try not to become so disillusioned that we give up entirely.

It's hard some days.

1 comment:

  1. I miss ice cream runs in the middle of summer. I miss sitting on the side porch at night with my dad, cracking jokes and laughing too hard for our own good.

    I miss feeling safe. I miss Robert.

    It's hard. I agree.