snap out of it

i'm sorry, jeff

she said it wasn't my fault

but

i still...

feel guilty.

it's a flaw of mine, feeling guilty about things that I cannot prevent. i try my best to get past it but it always comes and bites me.

I'm okay. Upset, shaken, but okay. I'm glad nothing else has happened today. No proxies or slendy, just the operator symbols in my letterbox. Anything else would be...too much. There's a bar of mint chocolate in my fridge. I think I'll have a square of that, watch some Glee or something, and go to bed.

--Vivi

(p.s. chester, thanks for calling me when I needed you the most. We're even.)

(p.p.s. sorry for this post. feeling a bit fragile.)

Fragging Proxies

Got attacked by another proxy. I was just walking in the Domain, minding my own business when this girl in a comedy mask jumps out of the bushes and launches herself at me. She kept telling me to listen to the Call, but all I could hear was slightly staticy music in my ears from my iPod, which I keep on pretty much all the time now. She had a knife, too. She made a couple of notches in Mr Cricket Bat, and in me, but I can just say I fell on some glass or something. I have a split lip as well, which is an awful lot more visible than cuts on my face, arms and torso, but I've got worse split lips from cricket accidents and the like. I'll be fine. Physically, at least. Mentally, what's been going on lately is pretty taxing.

The proxy ran off and the static stopped, so I went to the hospital and got two of the cuts stitched. I don't have work today so I'm just sitting around watching Black Books and trying to eat, but I honestly just feel so sick and unhappy that I can't make myself eat anything more than some crackers and hummus, and some tea. I don't know if it's losing so many people so quickly, getting attacked by a proxy in a fucking creepy mask, or that I'm actually sick but either way I feel pretty under the weather right now.

Phone's ringing. It's my brother. I'll be off to talk to him now.

There are no words.

Nessa is "back", or at least the person who's hacked her account says she is.

Jeff's been captured and his account partially taken over and is fighting the proxy in his account as I write this.

Do you think they'll go away if we give them $20? (whapped for awful attempt at humour)

Are they going to keep stealing and stealing until we have nothing left?

No.

They can't. We can't let them.

My name is Genevieve Sullivan. Vieve, Vivi, Vivi, Vi, Vivinator, et al. for short. I'm 163cm, auburn-haired, fair, grey-eyed. I was born in Rotorua, currently reside in Auckland. I like going to work, my family, reading, watching the television, especially documentaries and comedy, and music of pretty much any genre except screamo and most hip-hop/rap. I own a cat, a one-year old longhaired calico named Cassy.

You cannot take this from me.

Keep calm and carry on, everyone.

--Vivi

Let's play a game.

Let's pretend life is normal.

I suck at this game.

I miss things being normal. I miss the times when I didn't sleep with a cricket bat propped up against my bed and a knife shoved between the headboard and the wall. I miss being able to hang around with my friends and family without glancing over my shoulder. I miss the time where the furniture in my living room was not arranged so I can see the door from every chair in the room.

I even miss stupid Chester cracking awful jokes and looking around at us grinning like he expects us to start having hysterics. Everyone does. Him and Max are Vitriolic Best Buds, Leah is sulking because she's missing her partner in crime, Mariko's temper is more hair-trigger than it's ever been, and some of our long-time customers have asked why he isn't around.

But the fact that I miss them doesn't change the fact that it's impossible to have it all back.

The thing with the Slenderblogosphere is that people are always dropping in and out. Dying, going crazy, just plain leaving. You never know who's going to be next, and it might be you. It's a very disquieting thought. People are leaving, taking Redlights offer, or just going, and try as I might I can't blame them for trying to get out of this as soon as possible. I just have to see this through to the end. My end or his. Whichever comes first, because try as I might I can't seem to believe in anything beyond this life other than oblivion.

I think it's taken a while to sink in, all the things that have happened. It hurts. It hurts a lot, seeing people in my situation or something similar dying, going crazy.

We have to try our best to hope. To try not to become so disillusioned that we give up entirely.

It's hard some days.